Wednesday, April 07, 2004
i started this journal because i am a bitch.
in every aspect of the word, i-am-a-bitch.
you would never know it by looking at me,nor would you know it by being around me
but i am, just ask my husband..
so ...
i was doing some research on the web one day and found info about spanking.
i was looking up stuff on how to be submissive.. because i have not a clue.
so i talked to my husband about domestic discipline, spanking me when i disobey or cuss him out as i usually do. and, he agreed.
but who can i talk to about this or the fact that i am THAT ready to change that i would agree to something like this..
no one..
so here i am, talking basically to myself about this..
i decided that in this journal i would be true to myself.
i always say things other than what i really feel.
like i tell my husband i hate him when i actually love him to death..
of course i think an adult needing a spanking comes from some deep rooted issues.
like the fact that i didnt have a father around to spank me..
feeling overly guilty for the things that i have done for so long and gotten away with.
so here i am and here are my true feelings...
since this began, i have gotten maybe 5 spankings..
which is alot being that we just started within the past 2 weeks..
2 or 3 of them were deal-withable but the other 2 had me begging for mercy!
but,
still not what i need.
i honestly want him to spank me until i an crying, repenting, and then limp.
i want to release all of these emotions that have been balled up for so many years,
all these guilty feelings.. i want them gone.. when im getting punished, i truly dont want to be
but right now i do.. i want to break, i want to stop being so hard, i want to feel free to love and not ball up all my feelings for people. see, im good at shutting people out and its hard for me to let go.
in every aspect of the word, i-am-a-bitch.
you would never know it by looking at me,nor would you know it by being around me
but i am, just ask my husband..
so ...
i was doing some research on the web one day and found info about spanking.
i was looking up stuff on how to be submissive.. because i have not a clue.
so i talked to my husband about domestic discipline, spanking me when i disobey or cuss him out as i usually do. and, he agreed.
but who can i talk to about this or the fact that i am THAT ready to change that i would agree to something like this..
no one..
so here i am, talking basically to myself about this..
i decided that in this journal i would be true to myself.
i always say things other than what i really feel.
like i tell my husband i hate him when i actually love him to death..
of course i think an adult needing a spanking comes from some deep rooted issues.
like the fact that i didnt have a father around to spank me..
feeling overly guilty for the things that i have done for so long and gotten away with.
so here i am and here are my true feelings...
since this began, i have gotten maybe 5 spankings..
which is alot being that we just started within the past 2 weeks..
2 or 3 of them were deal-withable but the other 2 had me begging for mercy!
but,
still not what i need.
i honestly want him to spank me until i an crying, repenting, and then limp.
i want to release all of these emotions that have been balled up for so many years,
all these guilty feelings.. i want them gone.. when im getting punished, i truly dont want to be
but right now i do.. i want to break, i want to stop being so hard, i want to feel free to love and not ball up all my feelings for people. see, im good at shutting people out and its hard for me to let go.
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