daughter of sarah 1peter 3.6

behaving

2005-01-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

ive been trying my best to behave lately. the last one was a breaker. i dont ever want that again. im in submissive mode big time and all he has to do is look at me. heck im treating everybody better. see youve got to know me, people look up to me because i "act" so hard and
i dont mind telling anybody how i feel, which is not right of course. and it is hard for any man to break me because i had a "dike" mentality before I got saved. but since ive met him all that is changing, ive never wanted to submit to any man but this one, i can do.

on the brink of a breakthrough

2005-01-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

man im almost there, my husband had been looking so sexy to me lately, i have been wanting to be a better wife just based on his actions. he is becoming a better person. he has been making me want to love him. i know our vows say to love him inspite of, but he has been making it easy for me so im going to accept that. now this doesnt mean that he is letting me run over him by any means, what it means is that he is not letting me run over him. i love it! who ever told guys that girls want them to give them everything they want. not true.. some things but not all things..
do you know that kids want discipline and structure more than anything from their parents.. if you dont discipline them, they think you dont love them and do what they want just to get attention.. kids love routine.. well, i dont have much juicy stuff today. i may have gotten a spanking since the last time we talked but i cant remember.. oh well..

mind changer

2005-01-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

Hi blog,
long time no see.
well doesnt mean i havent been staying out of trouble.
i did ok during christmas break. but then ole' PM power kicked in.
well R is not playing anymore. i got the spanking of life.
and he didnt leave one bruise..
i dont know if it is because i deserved it so much.
but not only can i not sit, i dont wanna walk either..
i guess the damage is internal.. but my attitude suddenly has a different twist to it.
go figure.
why, you ask oh blog.
because he feels that i have been talking to a man on the phone in an inappropriate way.
not true.
i talk to this man sometimes and he is cool. he is a friend of ours.
i have no physical attraction to him whatsoever.
but he reminds me of a good female friend. i dont believe in throwing friendships out.
but it looks like that is what is going to have to happen.

its been a good week

2004-11-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

we have been moving into our new home for the past few days. we have both been so elated that my attitude has been holding up preeetty well. nothing but playful spanks lately
and im quite alright with that, being that i can still sort of feel the pain from the last time.
and GOD IS GOOD. had to throw that in there. hopefully i can make it a full week without blowing it.

I HATE IT!!!!

2004-11-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

I HATE THAT BELT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
DAMN!
I let my stupid mouth run away from me again. Needless to say I can hardly sit.
It was a rough night last night. Alot of talking, crying, swinging of the belt, and swinging of the hand. DAMMIT!!!
I don't know who I'm mad at more. myself, him, or that belt.

another day has gone by...

2004-11-09T07:57:00.000-08:00

no miracles have happened regarding my attitude and mouth. but in my mind (i dont know about my H's mind).
Im doin better.
He is still on his post ready to spank at the drop of a dime.
Which keeps me very alert. but i do still test the waters.
i believe i have gotten another small spanking since the last time i wrote.
i cant even remember what for, I have alot going on right now.
im a little stressed right now. so he has been taking it a bit (just a bit)
easy on me.

optimistic day

2004-11-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling a little more optimistic today about changing.. it may be the moon or something but im actually thinking that i can make a change.
yes, P I am still sleeping on my side, and my bottom still hurts, which is a good thing, because
it is a reminder.
now i know i dont have the perfect attitude toward my H right now, but I'm getting there, it's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen soon a presume (or else, says the HOH)
so I will keep praying and keep trying...

i at least have to make it a couple of days, so my bum can rest.

thanks P

2004-11-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

you are correct, P. i'm trying i really am, or maybe im not...

parent discipline your kids.. spend time with them, teach them, talk to them, always stay around, act concerned, show them with your own actions..

it is so sad, .. me that is..
i know who i can be, but i have no discipline to do it. all my life either my looks or my spunk or my natural ability to figure out certain stuff got me through life,
but it definetly wasnt discipline.
i have no discipline, i am the worst of procrastinators, but once i get going, i feel good and dont want to stop till all is done.
then my will, my will is as weak as decafeinated 7-11 coffee. it is hard to will myself to be quiet. i just dont even know how to start. i try for a while but it is as if a fire starts in my mouth and the only way to put it out is to open my mouth..
hahahahaha, funny actually, then again it isnt funny.

a mouth can mess up a perfectly good person.

on a side note, i got what i had coming, well deserved, well thought out on my husbands side, well painful. one can only hope that i have learned something, it has definetly got me thinking....

waiting for doom

2004-11-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

dawgonit!!!!
My H is holding out and letting things pile up, I told you that i didnt last 2 days, and it hasnt gotten any better since then.. again, i-am-not-bratting..
i am simply being a fool at this moment..
i've been successfully sneaking out of my doomsday for some days, but i know that doesnt make it any better in the end. luckily we have had alot going on...

i need to just get this over with..

these are the daze that you wish you never started this lifestyle...

hello diary

2004-10-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

I lasted about 2 days, then my submit-o-meter kunked out. needless to say, i am in trouble once again. dang it! i was doing so good!
damn PMS!!!
im trying to start a-new, but of course my husband thinks im kissing up because i know ive pretty much done it. i really am trying, but i let down my guard.

you know what... praying really does help in the heat of the moment, but i had to really believe in that prayer and then just shut up and wait. it worked!!!

i know what your thinking.. she is cursing and talking about praying in the same blog..
oh well get use to it, God already has.. he already heard it in my head,
and this is like talking to myself, right.

I still love HIM, God help me with my mouth and thoughts..
Thanks God I have a wonderful husband to lust after, or there'd be no chance in hell for heaven for me...

I MADE IT!!!

2004-10-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

I made it through the day without disrespecting my husband. He even had to go to church and leave me when i didnt want him to, and I still held my peace. I dont know I kind of like this new way of life. I am receiving more love as I calm myself down. hmpf...

go figure

ok, i kinda messed up this morning, but i fixed it quickly, i want him to believe in me this time, i want him to know that i am serious about changing.

as he told me before while making rough passionate love, as a women, sometimes you are just going to have to "take" some things..

release

2004-10-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

R surprised me and spanked me for a long time over his lap, he said i needed it, but i think he needed it, he stopped right when i was about to start crying (something sort of wished he went on)..
then he told me to position myself over the arm of our leather couch (it is surprisingly very comfortable over that arm) the next thing i knew i was thinking, how can he possibly go so deep..
how does he make my head spin like this everytime like it is the first time im having sex..
its so hard and good that the tears from that were going to come out during the spanking returned.
we were made for each other.

sex and punishment

2004-10-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

what a combo,last night was great. i felt like a hot ragdoll when my husband was finished with me. the spanking really hurt, but the lovemaking was so good that there was nothing i could do about it but take it all in at the same time. i love it when he talks to me while we make love. some people dont like that but i do. i just dont understand why i wouldnt want to respect such a wonderful man. but that is why i am journaling so maybe i will look back and see what the real issue it. but starting today, i will take it one day at a time, and respect my husband.goal for today:do not raise my voice, make a bad facial expression, or a smart remark.I'll tell you monday how i do.

im baaaaacck!!!

2004-10-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

what happened. yes it has been 6 months..and guess what i am still a BITCH.go figure, i think my H gave up on me for a while because he stopped trying.I guess im a harder case than expected. but anyway, now that i have gotten worse,i guess he is going to try again, i dont know. really i dont care right now.yes i have fallen into that mode. but im going to start journaling again. the other day i disrespected my H and i know i did. he was on fire and were spewing out all these threats about a spanking when we got home. I was scared as a deer looking into a hummer's headlight. I was shaking on the inside, I was reevaluating everything I did and was swearing to myself i would never ever do what i did again. i was remorseful, humbled, and the like, but then .... he just went to sleep, he didnt follow through...as scared as i was, why did that bother me?then it all went away, i got angry because i didnt feel like he even care enough to deal with the situation as he had said. to make it worse, he threatened again, went to sleep again a day later.. i was happy because i wouldnt have to hurt, but then again i wasnt happy.

i.m seeing a change

2004-04-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

well I still have been otk alot. but i am starting to see a change. God is really starting to show me some things about myself and my character. I do appreciate it, it is really hard to change, but i'm thinking that this can be done. so what i had zero home training growing up. i can learn now. i may end up going over board and being overly submissive, but hey, thats better than none at all.

i had this dream a day ago that my husband spanked me, then f-cked me, then anal f-cked me hard. interesting... and exciting....

WHY CANT I SUBMIT?

2004-04-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

yes yes i know that i have been a contentious woman..
but i really want this..
i want to be submissive.. my whole body cries out to be ..
but it just doesnt come that easy..
what am i afraid of? being ran down probably..
on another note.. i really need somewhere to write down my inner most feelings.. i need to get them out.. maybe this is why i am the closed in angry person i am today.. i want to tell what is in my head.. the real stuff.. not just the surface.. but there is no one i can trust..i dont even trust putting them on paper or the internet.. not because of me, but because of the people it may hurt..

2004-04-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

I REALLY WANT THIS!
yes yes i know that i have been a contentious woman..
but i really want this..
i want to be submissive.. my whole body cries out to be ..
but it just doesnt come that easy..
what am i afraid of? being ran down probably..
on another note.. i really need somewhere to write down my inner most feelings.. i need to get them out.. maybe this is why i am the closed in angry person i am today.. i want to tell what is in my head.. the real stuff.. not just the surface.. but there is no one i can trust..i dont even trust putting them on paper or the internet.. not because of me, but because of the people it may hurt..

2004-04-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

Its just hard when you have had control of your own life for so long, then you agree to submit to someone.
but im learning..
its just hard when i REALLY REALLY want my way. i just see red.
so needless to say i have gotten about 2 OR 3 more spankings since i last journaled.
i'm loosing count.
trust me, they are ALL well deserved. my tongue is set on fire by hell itself.
but again,
im learning..
how was i spanked? i think twice with the belt and once with the hand..
it all hurts.. i cry sometimes and sometimes i don't.

i have this thing about thinking that life should be perfectly fair.
and that everyone should be equal and ... if you think about it, i feel like
everyone should be able to hurt everyone the same. if you hurt me, i should be able to hurt you. but...
life is not fair..
when your boss fires you, you are really hurt, that doesnt mean you can kill em'.
so..
i guess life isnt fair.
i guess things wouldnt work right if everyone had a headship mentality,
somebody has to take the low road..

2004-04-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

i started this journal because i am a bitch.
in every aspect of the word, i-am-a-bitch.
you would never know it by looking at me,nor would you know it by being around me
but i am, just ask my husband..
so ...
i was doing some research on the web one day and found info about spanking.
i was looking up stuff on how to be submissive.. because i have not a clue.
so i talked to my husband about domestic discipline, spanking me when i disobey or cuss him out as i usually do. and, he agreed.
but who can i talk to about this or the fact that i am THAT ready to change that i would agree to something like this..
no one..
so here i am, talking basically to myself about this..
i decided that in this journal i would be true to myself.
i always say things other than what i really feel.
like i tell my husband i hate him when i actually love him to death..
of course i think an adult needing a spanking comes from some deep rooted issues.
like the fact that i didnt have a father around to spank me..
feeling overly guilty for the things that i have done for so long and gotten away with.
so here i am and here are my true feelings...

since this began, i have gotten maybe 5 spankings..
which is alot being that we just started within the past 2 weeks..
2 or 3 of them were deal-withable but the other 2 had me begging for mercy!
but,
still not what i need.
i honestly want him to spank me until i an crying, repenting, and then limp.
i want to release all of these emotions that have been balled up for so many years,
all these guilty feelings.. i want them gone.. when im getting punished, i truly dont want to be
but right now i do.. i want to break, i want to stop being so hard, i want to feel free to love and not ball up all my feelings for people. see, im good at shutting people out and its hard for me to let go.